While many enter new romances with an optimistic outlook, seeking signs of compatibility, my husband and I operated under a different principle. Our journey began with skepticism, convinced that a mismatch was more probable than harmony.
Despite our chemistry, we expected to encounter deal-breakers—whether significant matters like financial contributions to our aging parents or trivial ones such as preferred sleeping temperatures. The stakes were high; both of us held tenured positions at the same university, and a fallout could lead to a lifetime of discomfort in the workplace.
To mitigate potential future headaches, we devised a list of critical questions based on established relationship science. This wasn’t the generic questionnaire found on dating apps; our custom approach demanded that we engage with nuanced, pressing issues. Such tailored scrutiny is essential for anyone embarking on a committed relationship.
Here are the areas that require deep exploration, along with questions to help guide the discussion:
1. Money
Disputes over finances play a prominent role in the dissolution of marriages. While couples often clash over significant expenditures, smaller financial dilemmas—like hiring a house cleaner—can foment tension. Such disagreements create patterns of strife that are hard to escape.
Consider posing questions like:
- Do you prefer to live in the moment with your spending or save for future needs?
- How should we manage shared expenses? What about vacation costs?
2. Career
The pressures from our jobs can seep profoundly into our relationships, even affecting our most intimate connections. A healthy dialogue about career management is imperative.
Inquire about:
- What strategies do you use to handle work-related stress?
- What role does your job play in defining you?
- Are you open to making sacrifices for my professional pursuits?
3. Family and Religion
Important, yet often avoided topics like family dynamics, children, and religious beliefs must also be on the table for discussion. Ignoring these can lead to future conflicts.
Ask yourself these critical questions:
- Do you envision having children?
- What are your feelings on sleeping arrangements with kids?
- How frequently do you plan to visit your parents?
- Do you care if your family approves of me, and how would you handle disapproval?
- Would my religious beliefs create discomfort for you?
4. Daily Habits
While we often mistake strong chemistry for alignment in daily life, the mundane can turn into deal-breakers if unaddressed. Sleep habits, for instance, are a vital indicator of relationship satisfaction.
Explore topics such as:
- What time do you prefer to go to bed?
- Do you have issues that affect your sleep quality?
- Are you a fan of cooking, or do you lean toward takeout?
- What’s your stance on pets?
- Is teasing each other acceptable, or does it cross a line for you?
5. Physical Intimacy
The significance of physical intimacy cannot be overstated, as it holds substantial weight in the overall health of a relationship. Unfortunately, societal norms often make sexual discussions awkward.
Engage with questions like:
- How frequently do you desire physical intimacy?
- How candid are you about your sexual preferences?
- What are your interests in this area?
6. Taboo Topics
The boundaries of acceptable discourse in relationships are shaped by societal norms, which can sometimes leave critical issues unaddressed. These taboo topics can trigger discomfort yet must not be overlooked.
Consider asking about issues such as:
- Have you faced personal challenges with weight?
- What are your views on non-monogamy?
- Have you ever physically harmed a partner?
- How do you intend to allocate your estate upon passing?
- For those widowed, would you want to rest next to your late spouse?
It Will Be Uncomfortable
Too often, individuals drift into relationships without sufficient deliberation. While confronting challenging discussions may bring discomfort, this hard work is essential. Avoiding unease only leads to future regrets.
What’s the value of sidestepping uncomfortable questions if it means waking up next to someone whose daily habits clash with your own?
Tessa West is a social psychologist and professor at New York University. She has dedicated her career to addressing interpersonal conflicts in professional environments. She is also the author of “Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them″ and “Job Therapy: Finding Work That Works for You.” As an instructor in CNBC’s online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work, she empowers individuals to pursue fulfilling careers.
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